Its never easy letting go…not just yet…

These past few days are still somewhat like a blur to me. I seem lost and possibly might not find my way back again. There are times I’d think about him and this would bring tears in my eyes. I missed him terribly. I missed his calls. The long talks we always had whenever he would call me.  The times that he’d listen to what I say on a lot of things about life. But most of all, I missed the way he’d tell me how my music matters to him the most.

You see, there was a time when I contemplated about walking away from music. I wanted to quit for the very fact that I felt that maybe my passion wasn’t there anymore. I told my dad about my decision  to quit.

He laughed at my decision and said that he doesn’t believe me. He told me that music is in your blood, once you have it, its there for good. Overall, he told me never to quit music no matter what.

This conversation took place sometime this early January or was it December I couldn’t recall the day.

Since then, I’ve pondered on what to do with my life. When he left last February 24, all my inspirations that came from him apparently died as well.

Lately, I haven’t felt any passion with regards to playing music. It’s as if, someone turned it off with the flicker on a switch. 

Right now, I’m sitting here in my work desk, thinking about all the things that he told me a while back.

Maybe in time I’ll get that passion back. For now, its pure numbness….an empty shell of what was once a passionate musician…

* Here is a pic I got from my sister. This is way back 1974. My dad was still in his early teens.

papa1974.jpg

And here’s something from Boys to Men..to go along with this pic.

 GoodBye

How do I say goodbye to what we had?
The good times that made us laugh
Outweigh the bad.

I thought we’d get to see forever
But forever’s gone away
It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

I don’t know where this road
Is going to lead
All I know is where we’ve been
And what we’ve been through.

If we get to see tomorrow
I hope it’s worth all the wait
It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

And I’ll take with me the memories
To be my sunshine after the rain
It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

And I’ll take with me the memories
To be my sunshine after the rain
It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

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~ by roadworthyman on March 10, 2008.

3 Responses to “Its never easy letting go…not just yet…”

  1. You are in the grieving period and that is natural. In time, you will start healing and then you move on with your life and your music. I bet you, that is what your dad would have wanted for you to do. By the way, that is a nice pic of him. Warm regards.

  2. Yeah in time I might…but for how long…nobody knows…

  3. Hi Marche,
    You are such a precious son to my brother. I talked to him a lot over the phone even just to be a listening ear. We sometimes talk for hours tripping on Filipino food. Needless to say, he told me a lot of things in his mind that he didn’t have the courage to tell you and Ruby. But for sure Marche, he was so proud about your being a good musician. When we lost him, I never would have imagined that my memory of him would haunt me. I know that grieving over someone you love is a process and I made sure that I went through the whole process so I wouldn’t get stuck in one of the stages. But it’s easier said then done Marche. I guess all of us just need more time than others to heal from this pain. I have been suffering from this pain ever since I lost your dad. Finally last Good Friday, I surrendered all my painful feelings. I placed them in a “box” and gave it to the Lord Jesus Christ as a gift for His great sacrifice of dying on the cross to save the whole human kind. That did help a little bit. I felt better after I did that. I am seeing my therapist and I discuss my grieving issue with him. This helps too. But that picture of watching him die is just such an excruciating pain. Sanne, Ruby and I were there so helpless yet wanting to help so bad. And the more I think about it now, the more I hate the fact that the doctors badly discriminated your dad because he had no extra insurance. Like your dad’s life was worthless because he did not have that extra insurance. Deep in my heart, I know I need to do something about it. Maybe I really do so that I may live the remaining years of my lile knowing that the discrimination against your dad OR discrimination should never be allowed to play with people’s lives.

    Sorry Marche. I just had to let it out this time. Love you…

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